Getting What You Wished For (from March 5, '07)

We always feel that we deserve more than what we have now. So we work. Real hard. Or at least, some of us do. And those that work hard and dream hard sometimes get there. Whatever; by strokes of good luck or good credit. When we dream about getting there, we dream about the good things that come along with it. But most of the time, when we do get there, what follows is a wake-up call.

Getting there means having more responsibilities. It means more accountability. It means not having anyone to pass the buck to when things go wrong. It means getting full credit for all the good things that happen, and taking blame for all the bad things. It means having to work harder, and having to take care of treasuring all the trust and expectations that have been laid down on you. It means having to be stronger than others; being in charge, when everyone else thinks it’s all hopeless.

It’s hard, now that I’m in on it – that kind of responsibility. It can be tiring, working at things especially on those you are not completely familiar with. It can sometimes lead you to ask what you really are capable of doing. It leads you to doubt yourself sometimes. Were they right to trust you to accomplish this? Did you really think you could really do the job? The questions get frightening sometimes.

Being in that place has made me realize that growing up doesn’t end with having a grown-up job. It doesn’t end when you stop belong to a school-type environment at work, when you can make mistakes and be sure to get another chance. It doesn’t stop when you’ve proven yourself once. In fact, growing up stops when you start depending on those things happening forever. And here I am, owning up to my mistakes, and taking credit for the good things that I did. And I know, in my heart, that whatever happens, and whatever happened in the past – or because of it, even, that I can do it. I can make it. And I may feel bad, or scared, of some mistakes that I may do today or sometime in the future, but that will not change who and what I have become. I sure won’t let those things change the best I could make out of myself.